Today I read this: “It made me wonder if the reasons our lives seem so muddled is because we keep walking into scenes which we, along with the people around us, have no clear idea of what we want.” (location 1254 – seriously – how does one reference page # from a kindle??)

Do I know, as a clear, concise statement, what i want from my story?  Can I sum it up and be clear that it encompasses the direction I want to live, as well as what I value for my time?  Does our life-statement change over time? 

I think mine has been clear in the past, but is not clear currently.  I think for a long time my statement had one central word at its core and that word was ‘family’.  I literally put myself thru a lot to have children and to become a mom and for a long time that was the only calling I gave myself over to.  I have been naive in this pursuit – by that I mean I saw this as an all-encompassing pursuit and because it was a difficult journey for us to have kids, it became even larger and more pressing.  The result has been a slow awakening to the realization that there are deep pockets of sadness as I let parts of me die, in my quest to put those around me (namely my kids) ahead of myself.  Now, I would have to quantify that with acknowledging the nature of a needy, new child.  It’s not their fault they are not what you would call self -sufficient. They require complete care and that care, done well, is one of the most beautiful life-stories to be apart of.  I can’t imagine any scenario in which I would feel less than complete if it did not have each of my 4 kids in it.  The thing is, though, my personal story should not have only one title – Mom.  That is only a piece of a complete woman, and yet, were we to graph my life with a pie chart, the mom portion would clearly be the biggest slice.

Now it is time for a new statement.  i want to be able to know I am moving in a direction that is not muddled.  i want to know exactly what I want.  More than that, I want to be clear enough to filter all decisions thru the lense of my defined story so that my pursuits all support this vision of the life I am here to live.

It’s time to figure out what all the other slices are that I bring to the table and to redraw that chart to reflect better balance and more color.  

K

I am also discovering more about the blogging site i am using.  One cool feature was locating spell check.  I am a horrific speller.  When I was in twelfth grade, I was elected Secretary to the Student council.  It literally took me half the year to correctly spell secretary.  I hadn’t run for that position, given my awareness of my own literary deficiencies but the council suppervisor thought I would communicate well.  He had seen me talk thru his entire Social Studies class the year previously.   So please – disregard my spelling – I will try to correct it when I can but mostly I just don’t know how it is supposed to look.

I am re-reading a most fantastic book – a life changing book, in my opinion called “A Million Miles in a Thousand Years” by Donald Miller.  It is one of those books that makes you want to sit up and take notice of your life.  He says this:

“The truth is, if what we choose to do with our lives won’t make a story meaningful, it won’t make a life meaningful either.”  (how does one locate page numbers on a kindle??) 

Anyway, he is talking about our life story – that if what we choose doesn’t add to the story we are telling each day, our lives are not going to add up to much of a meaningful experience.  He talks about a friend, Danielle, and says this, “I can imagine what kind of conversation God and Danielle will have, how she’ll sit and tell God the favorite parts of the story he gave her.”

This is the thing about life – it is a series of mostly normal, blase events and just every so often we are hit with the extrordinary.  I don’t mind the extrodinary – I think most of us rise to whatever it is – whether blessing or challenge.  It is finding ways to make the story more than nothingness in the every day that I struggle with.  It is about feeling like i am embracing what seems unimportant, immaterial, trite.

I think the struggle is to find the sacred in the simple, so that at the end of each day, I don’t feel like it was another day that simply didn’t matter. 

K

I think the biggest reason I have started blogging is because I want to write and this is my training room for my brain and my fingers to learn to dance together a bit better.  Any sort of skill requires practice and at this point, this is what this space is for me – my mental running room. 

I was reading the prologue to Stephen King’s series The Dark Tower, which I have not fully committed to read yet (7 books!) and he starts with a bit of a personal dialogue with the reader.  In it he comments that there are 2 types of writers – those who write for themselves and those who write for the audience.  It made me think if I were to continue this blog experiment, who am I writing for?  I think that is also what has, in the past, made me not choose blogging, but instead my pen and journal – the boundary thing.  Am I writing this, thinking of you out there reading it and if so, I am sure I am censoring the thoughts coming out (you may not think this has demonstrated a ton of thought so far…).  I think that is inevitable - this is a public space and my writings are going to be accessible.  But I also think I don’t envision the masses reading and digesting my random thoughts.  Ultimately, I have to use this space and my writings here for me – it is my training room – the topics are my choice – the time is my own.  I obviously observe the right to only write what i am comfortable with being out there and there may be some days where the topics stem from ‘homework’ or a project i have going on, and that is exactly what this space should be for. 

That said, though, I do think of this as a shared dialogue (monologue).  Think of me and you sitting at Starbucks, sharing a drink and talking… okay make that only me talking and you listening in rapt awe.  I think I will like this. 

I also have to figure out if I am going to try and structure blog time in to my life.  Currently my life is one I am finding not fulfilling.  I am a stay at home mom to four kids and while i still can’t believe how fortunate i am to have the kids i have, I am mentally weak.  i have been home for a number of years now, and have felt this choice was the right one.  We both adopted and birthed our children and went thru some pretty large transitions a few times, so my being home was both a desire and a necessity.  Now… my youngest kids are still mostly at home (preschool and kindergaren) but it has been a long time since i have been among adults – being in challenging situaions.  I don’t mean challenging like advanced calculus or running a company – I just mean more challenging than ‘do you want a bun or bread tomorrow in your lunch’ challenging. 

I miss me.  I miss knowing I know things and I miss mental development that only comes from stretching your thoughts in communication with others.  I actually started this school  year with a job – a dream job that I was both ready for and excited about.  The job lasted one month and fell apart over a technicality that my bosses didn’t inform me of.  It was their mess up and I took the job loss hard.  It was so awful to have been exposed to this fantastic staff (you have never seen someone so eager in the first staff meeting – I almost hugged the entire room of people).  I loved the work and the fact I used my brain.  One of my co-workers commented on how organized i was even before the job had technically started.  I told her i had been home a long time and the fact I could organize my materials – tabbing and labelling to my hearts’ content  - made me ridiculously happy.  I was going to be working in an educational field – my degree in Education was going to be used again! The window had been opened and when the job fell apart, I looked for another, applying to a few but with no results.  And now, today, with the summer coming, and having 4 kids off of school in a few months, it again isn’t the time to embark.  

So maybe the blog will also help me figure out the next steps.  Who knows.  All I know is that today was my first attempt that this form of writing and I feel like I used my brain again.  I also enjoyed my first coffee with you, my captive (both meanings??) and delighted friend. 

K